Looking back, there have been 4 distinct stages in my life as a healer, as an empath. Of course, with hiccups and shifts throughout. (My life, like anyone else’s, hasn’t been neat and tidy and clearly marked). But, in general, I can see for myself: simply being unintentionally, then chaotic lesson creating, control, and simply being intentionally.
My childhood was filled with spirituality, conversations with my own spirit, conversations with what I experienced as God, which almost never occurred in a pew and almost always occurred in nature alone. I didn’t know what I was doing and it was by no means intentional. It wasn’t a conscious state of being a healer or of having healing, it just was. It was being.
Then came chaos, the feeling EVERYTHING and reacting to it by mirroring it phase. This was me as a teen and it was messy and H-A-R-D. It was not enough to simply be, you had to explain and prove yourself. How do you explain yourself when you feel the world around you so much it gets in the way of feeling yourself? How do you prove yourself? This phase as a healer gave me blocks to build with, to clear, work to do later on. But this phase also added depth to the feeling that there was something wrong with me.
From chaos to control. Controling myself and others; It was about fixing what was wrong with me, and helping others do the same. I found healers who would help me find and “fix” those wrong things, help me see where I had been wrong. Not because they thought there was something wrong with me, but because that’s what I was seeking. What I was seeking was reflected back at me. And I found new healing modalities that would help me find and fix the wrong in others. And maybe in doing all this exhausting work of seeking what was wrong with me, I could fix that original sin that occurred as soon as I was born.
This task of finding what was truly wrong with me was an endless journey, and it never felt like I was getting any “better”.
Because nothing was wrong to begin with. But when you go looking for something that isn’t truthfully there, you just keep searching until you get exhausted and give up, sinking into all that wrong that wasn’t you to begin with. You’ll just keep finding the reflection of that for which you’re looking, no matter if it’s the truth or a big fat lie.
The most freeing phase for me as a healer and as someone who receives healing, (which is synonymous) is discovering that there is actually nothing wrong. It is clearing the energy that makes me feel like there is something wrong or that I am a failure or that I am unworthy, discovering that was not mine to begin with, and getting back to my own self which, by nature, is not wrong. The more healing I have, the more I find there is nothing wrong with me, there is nothing amiss within myself. I might be handling something from elsewhere, or carrying a load that isn’t mine, and the healing helps me let it go, and find my own, lighter weight. Healing helps me to discover what I don’t need to carry or hold onto. Healing helps me have freedom to exist, to take up my own space, to love my own existence and the experiences this life brings. Healing gives me freedom to experience my own emotions from rage to bliss without getting stuck or feeling guilt. Having healing is having freedom.
And I have news for you; there’s nothing wrong with you either. You might be carrying a heavy load that tells you otherwise, but YOU are not wrong.
It's almost like going back to that beginning phase, where I was as a child. Those pure, innocent conversations with my spirit that feel available to me as opposed to something I need to beg or prove myself for. Except now, I’m conscious and aware of what is happening, of who I am, and what I’m here for.
And I’m here for healing.