In life, we go through lots of challenges where we are growing and learning. As a young person, our bodies spontaneously decide to grow in new ways, your hormones change, your voice changes, and your feelings are more intense. As we get older, you graduate from living at home to living without your parents, looking for a source of income, exploring your dreams, and maybe even falling in love.
In the early part of our lives, there is a clear understanding that we are growing. In agreement, we even give those periods of time names; terrible twos, growth spurt, “teenagers and college kids”, menopause, that time of the month, mid-life crisis, etc. In agreement, we excuse certain behaviors because we understand it comes with those periods of time in our lives.
Yet, somewhere along the way, we forget that we are still growing in all sorts of different ways. Each area of our lives can become expected – the shoulds of life – instead of seeing through the lens of growth.
This can leave us feeling lost or like something is missing in our lives. We might try to fill that space with food, bar nights, nextflix, or with work. Yet, no matter how we fill that space, nothing quite works leaving us to feel a bit out of control.
In college, I auditioned for the final roles of my senior year. I was a musical theater student. Like any dedicated student, I put all my focus and effort into becoming a great actress and singer. On top of my usual college studies, there wasn’t much time for anything else. I was pretty oblivious to who I was and where I was growing – I was focused on becoming what was needed for the roles. Yet, a certain feeling kept coming up – stronger every time.
A funny thing that happens when you aren’t listening to yourself – things keep coming up; stronger every single time. When things keep happening, sometimes it pisses us off. We might even find ourselves laughing at how ridiculously timed it all is. Other times we realize, with sudden awareness, that we should pay attention to this moment. We realize we are trying to tell ourselves something by repeating something; like a neon sign focusing our attention to a moment.
Throughout college, I’d see a glimmer of something deeply true for myself. There were certain situations and confessions that started happening. I started slowly telling others in bits and pieces about who I was inside. I became really close friends with people who were just like me. Only thing is, I wasn’t quite aware of what it all meant yet. My body and spirit were getting my attention and there was no way to push it away or push it down anymore. Something was inevitably going to happen.
What I was experiencing wasn’t new per say. I had a way of listening to my intuition – especially for adventures. What I struggled with was listening to my body and being really present in my body, in my life. But my spirit and my body were determined to get my attention.
In my senior year, a horrible thing happened. It left me devastated, embarrassed, and pissed off. Upon looking at the casting list, I discovered I wasn’t going to be performing in any shows most of the year. Typically, a senior was in all the shows. I was the only one not cast similarly. Considering the politics of race in musical theater, my friends and I were livid. I found myself with a lot of extra time on my hands. That’s when things really started to change.
Your body and spirit will go to great lengths to get your attention. You might suddenly find yourself sick ( you have to miss work ), or injured ( you can’t go on that trip ), or get fired suddenly ( and you have unexpected time on your hands too ). When you get real with yourself, you might realize you needed a break from things, some time off to give to yourself, self-care, or you were over the job anyway and had a bigger dream. What might seem like a slight can actually be a blessing in disguise.
With all the time on my hands, I really got to know myself better. I had time to meet new people outside of the musical theater community. This brought me to a space of permission. Permission to explore my identity. I came into my life more that year and I was resolute to be myself.
Not long after what I thought was going to be the worst year of my life, became the best year of my life. I blossomed into my identity- through steps – and was the happiest I had ever been when I came out officially.
All the pieces came together later in my senior year. It all made sense. I was grateful for the time to explore my identity. I was suddenly aware of where I had been growing and the meaning of it all. Nothing that happened that year was an accident. What a blessing to realize.
To be aware of your growth can change how you react when things happen in your life. Do you lean into your growth or resist it? Can you see how situations are a part of a bigger plan for yourself? Even when it gets tough, you are still growing through something – not going through something. If you can see the truth of the matter, you can ride the waves of your growth and validate your journey.